Change Not Easily

  All That Is, flowing through me.
         I have always loved you, 
        What I envision you to be.
 All That Is, please, whisper of thee.

          by Debbie

I’ve not been writing for awhile. I’ve made some changes in my personal life, once again, to try to find some kind of fit. It seems I cannot depend on any of my former survival-mode tactics I’ve used over the years of my life. I’ve always tried so very hard but, over and over, I find these tactics just get me by and are not really working for me. I almost decided not to publish this article because of its content.  It didn't seem to be supportive of our spiritual path, yet, in a paradoxical way, it even furthers me along on my journey deep within.  I feel that my struggles are the same as other's struggles, and other's struggles are mine as, in oneness, we come to know who we truly are.  So, with that said, on I will go with my story.

Lately, I’ve heard so much about Joe, the plumber, in the American political scene, and I thought … you know, I’m Debbie, the school teacher, in this American scene. I’m not so different from Joe. I’m not so much in tune with the politics of everything as I am with the spiritual journey, but I am very concerned just like Joe. Joe’s concerned about his small business in this economy. Debbie’s concerned that she is losing the stamina to do what she has to do to survive in any economy. Debbie, like Joe, wants more than mere survival, but it’s at a point now where a well-known depressive energy is looming at the edge, waiting to befriend her again.

As part of my quest on the spiritual path, I read Eckhart Tolle’s books A New Earth and The Power of Now. I became engrossed in the teachings back in March of 2008 while following Oprah and Eckhart in the 10-week live webinar covering all 10 chapters of the book, A New Earth. From there I’ve facilitated book clubs and a silent local group. I’ve watched DVDs of Eckhart’s teachings and listened to audio CDs and still do to this very day. I started a blog and write inspired comments about the New Earth spiritual journey I am apart of with my friends online, in the book club, and in the silent group. I spend time in the silence in meditation and use my breathing and inner body awareness. I’m heartily working to integrate these teachings into my psyche but still find myself at this place I’ve known so well before Eckhart’s teachings, on the edge of depression.

I thought to myself, if I can’t live the teachings in my life and truly integrate them, then what good is sharing in a blog or facilitating a group. I’m a fake and just riding a high from the wave. I have to be able to deeply integrate these spiritual practices into my everyday life. I go online and read my own blog and what I’ve written over the past several months. It is even inspiring to me as if I’m reading something someone else wrote. How could I have written all this and still feel such familiar looming depression. Am I fooling myself? Have I not really been in touch with that deep place of Stillness, of Presence within? Why is it so damn elusive? Is this the human condition and why is it the human condition, for what higher purpose? There should be a more direct way to Love, Joy and Peace. What’s the point of all this, if there really even is a point!

Oh, the teachings have profoundly changed my life, but in such a drastic way that I cannot function in my day-to-day life with all the drama. I felt so constrained in the behavior work I did with the public school system, and now that I’m in the same town with my children, I am so close to their drama.   What a predicament - to come in such close and continuous contact with such stress; I find I’m quite unable to be with it all or to be without it. I love being close to my family and in my work I can express such passion, and yet the stress of it all bears down so hard it's suffocating. I can’t seem to "be the space for it," as Eckhart puts it.  (Listen below to Eckhart go into detail on "Can I Be the Space for This?"  This really helps me!)

As I try my best to fit somewhere with my family and work, I become more and more despondent that it is not easier to do with this spiritual insight at hand. I find myself thinking, at least with the egoic-state of the survival-mode intact, I could work.  Now, I won't tell myself that contentment and peace is somewhere out there in work, intimate relationships and material possessions. I know it is within and so then without.  There is a balance but the equilibrium has not set in yet.  This is where I cling to the present moment.  I ask myself, in this moment is there anything wrong?  Each time I can tell myself, in this precise moment I am fine.  It's only when I think about the unsureness of the future that I feel panic.   

I feel my life shifting in a direction that looks very unsteady to onlookers such as family and professional colleagues. I have resigned my position with the public school system and moved close to my children and grandchildren. I gave away most of my things to make the move from a big city to a small town and into a very small one-bedroom apartment. I sold my van with high payments and paid in full for a 1995 car. As I said, I made drastic changes. I had already turned off much of the noise in my life. I’ve gone almost two years without cable television. I purchase my own music, so no radio. I’ve become very comfortable with silence, living alone and going places alone. The changes were not hard to make. I felt compelled to do them.  Now, waiting for the flow of the Universe to bring in the NEW for which I have made space is daunting. It’s such a new way of being in the world. At times, I feel like I’m challenging the Universe to show me there is some kind of validity to all this.

My children and grandchildren are the love of my life, and I devoted my two degrees and my certifications to a professional career in education. Now, I find it almost unbearable to be in the drama of it. I’ve become so sensitive to the energy that this kind of day-to-day surviving produces that I hoped Eckhart’s teachings would point a way to ground me in Being.

Yet after immersing myself in the teachings and being so hopeful, I feel this looming depression coming around me again. I observe it. I shine the light of awareness on it. It dissipates somewhat. I write about it and immerse myself in the teachings and silence. Aloneness, maybe I should not be so alone. I should move in with someone. Discussed it. Won’t work. The dark energy returns. Still no job and now problems in my daughter’s life. She has two of my grandchildren, six-years-old and five-months-old. Protective order, her and the kids have to move. I help her as much as I can. The physical part of moving her is over. Go into the Silence. Be aware of the emotions. Observe. Breathe. Stay with it, breathe. Feel your inner aliveness. Be with the energy of the Universe, and with Mother Earth.

Sleep, eat, breathe. Have pleasant conversations if there’s contact. Don’t alarm them. Go into the Stillness, into the no-thinking mind. Just be. The light, don’t forget the light of consciousness. It’s there. Where are you, are you there? Refreshing sleep. I feel better. How do I go on like this without diversions? I need diversions. Walk in nature and let it love you and love it back. Stretch your body and feel it relax. Think I should go live with someone. I can’t be so alone. Oh, the smell of rain. It renews me. Go to your inner place, on the shore where the huge rock stands. Crawl up there and feel the warm of its surface. Look out over the ocean to the small island on the horizon. See the waves and hear the rush of the water onto the shore. No phone, it is turned off. I want to drive to the ocean. Just stay here, with this energy. Transmutation. How long? Days if you have to. See it through. You’ve not done this before. It will be okay. Breathe.

I ask myself questions like: Are the structures of the ego in my mind too ingrained at this point in time? Do I have some kind of organic brain damage keeping me from solidifying a shift in my consciousness?  Then I find a dark corner of my mind saying things like, what do I have to lose if I don't make it, I don't make it.  How cunning of the ego to make me think I’m on a spiritual journey, only to be disappointed again. The energy and momentum I’ve given to this teaching, all a waste of enormous energy just like all rest of the efforts you’ve given to new beginnings all your life. Oh, my ... how dark it can look, but I remind myself, things are not what they seem!

For the book group I’m in now, we are to the discussion of the Pain-body. I’ve studied the Pain-body before with the other study group when I first read Eckhart’s books. Now, I am going deeper into the teachings of the Pain-body. Recently I researched and reread on the subject of the Pain-body as well as delved into my own dealings with my Pain-body. We were to discuss it three weeks ago. I missed two discussion groups and then the others could not come this last week. So, I thought I’d write something. Sometimes, I think even my reading and writing are diversions.

At this time, for further investigation, I'm drawn to the writings of Katie Byron as well.  I think The Work process, described in her book Loving What Is, will address my belief in the stressfulness of my life situations. I've watched some of her videos and began reading her book.  I know Oprah claimed, in her interviews with Byron Katie, that she felt it took the spiritual journey to the next level.  I especially love what Katie says about Heaven.  Below is a link to the interviews.



Click here for Oprah's three-part interview with Byron Katie.






Also, I've been drawn to Peter Russell's work on consciousness for quite some time. He has many articles and free downloads on his website.  I recently ordered his new meditation CD.  His calm, soothing, gentle voice teaches you to go deeper into yourself wherein lies your own inner wisdom.  The last meditation is a treasure!   

New Meditation CD by Peter Russell

The 2012 Mindshift: Meditations for
Times of Accelerating Change

Five meditations to help you stay cool, calm, and collected—no matter what the tides of change may bring. Listen to online preview. 

Be sure to read Peter Russell's articles:

Accelerating Change   Stress of Change   A Singularity in Time

 

Below Eckhart Tolle teaches a group in Seattle, WA - Feb. 23, 2008.  It is truly fascinating and liberating!  60-minute clip teaching the mantra - "Can I Be the Space for This?"

For my blog I envisioned the name, The Feminine Whisperers, because I
knew, deep within, I was one who would greatly benefit from the whisperings.

May love, joy and peace
Become states of our Beingness
Which have no opposites!

 
Debbie @
www.TheFeminineWhisperers.net
www.meetup.com/MindShift